Jelousy, pain, and standing in places

~I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should…
…'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood~

Lately I have been feeling very green, and know not the sick kind, the emotion kind, you know, that horrible word JELOUSY!

but what am I jealous of and for what reason, that my friend… is a good question. Believe me there is quite a list and this may grow insanely intense, so this is your last chance to leave, it truly does not make sense to even me, the creator. But yet I am sure that even you my friend have felt some of these things.
I am jealous of that are prettier than me (and don't bother doing the whole 'but your beautiful' crap I am sick of it), of those that don't try but are always better than you, of those that when you think you are good at something or know something they don't, they top you, of those who, no matter how hard you try, are always better than you are.

I am envious of those who seem to have more fun and do more stuff with my friends and it makes me sad when I look and see that they know you better.
I am jealous when we like the same person, for I know that no matter what I do they have chosen you, you can laugh and talk with them, you have more in common with them. I am jealous because they look at me like I have the words freak or weirdo etched into my skin. I know I say I don't mind but deep down….
Could it be that I am jealous that you are so talented and all I can do is put words on paper and see if they make something cool, but even you do that better too.
Could it be that all this leads to m ore pain on my behalf, but I will keep it hidden, so to listen to what they say when I am not around.

But how can it truly be!?!?!?
That I am jealous of someone THAT DOES NOT EXIST!!!
CAN ANYONE TELL ME THAT…PLEASE WHY!?!

WHY DO I FEEL SO MUCH PAIN KNOWING THAT, THE PERSON WHO DOES NOT EXIST, COULD STAND…Exactly where I want to stand…
…and how can I not feel lonely when I look around and notice that someone is standing where I stood.

Lovely Complex

Ok Ok i know i haven't blogged for a while, i just kept siting, staring at the screen then sighing and clicking the little'x' because i couldn't think of anything to write. But now i think my brain has finally woken up.

Lovely complex,WOW what a title! But what is it you might ask. Well it is just the name of a romantic comedy anime, about when a girl called Koizumi, the tallest person in her class, makes a bet with a guy named Otani, the shortest person in their class, about who could get a boyfriend/girlfriend first, then realising she may have feelings for him....
Anyway it is a very funny show with great one liners such as "lets go buy some Baked cuttlefish"... and "i don't think of him as a guy because he is so short." Not to mention Otani is pretty cute.

But even though it may be just a title...it seems like a very good description of my life at the moment and how my emotions keep going up and down like i am on some kind of permanent roller coaster. i look at all the anime shows, books, pictures, plots,status updates, posts..anything... like i need to be there...because i feel lonely, even though i know i have God right beside me and my family and friends not to far behind.

But...

Sometimes i fell like i am trapped and that i want to escape, and sometimes i feel like i want to hide from the world (so i sit in my cupboard). other times i want to scream at then world or to cry on someones shoulder, sometimes i can feel really sad, and then the next day get up bright eyed and happy....I am so strange.

SO yea. i think that may be my rant for the time being...and i just want to thanks to Mariah, Holly, Olivia and Claire, because i know you've always got my back.

WOW my life is really Complex....Lovely!

What is this?

What is this?

why do i feel bad on christmas eve?

Why do i feel like everyones is moving except me?

Why do i feel like i need a hug?

Why....i don't know why all i know is that i feel like i want to scream at the world...

Overcast

The carpet felt soft beneath my feet as I sat on the floor of my room, my notebook sitting in my hands, the pen scribbling what I didn't feel like saying out loud. I sat, staring out the at the wet ground and water droplets shimmering in the soft light as they hung from the fences and leaves. I sat in complete quiet, blocking out the sounds that echoed down my hall. No sound came out of my mouth as I kept it wedged shut. Not even the fan spun. There was no sound. The door was shut. The lights were off, and I sat in front of the open curtains the only place where the gloomy light of 6:45pm was allowed in.

I had woken today with high and happy spirits, as a golden sun beat down from a blue sky, but that was interrupted, as the rains came.
On top of my cousins mountain where I had spent the night, the lighting and thunder was loud and bright, and I continued to smile and laugh, but there was a looming, fading, feeling.
Why?
Then as the rain stopped and my parents came to take me home, and as I said my goodbyes to my cousins, that fading feeling became larger, and that small looming hole became a deep pit.
I sat in the car watching the remaining water drops race down the window. IPod earphones shoved in my ears. Ignoring the laughter from the back seat. Hoping that any moment my sprits would lift. But yet I found myself driving home under that gloomy overcast sky.

So now I lay on my floor, the little light have slowly failing. Would I turn on the lights? No. I just kept writing, feeling sad and down for absolutely no reason. Searching for something in that dull grey sky. I wondered why I felt cold, why I felt like the monster were creeping up behind me, when even the wet ground outside, was warm.
Now I just want day to fade away, so I can find that moon lit sky….
I'm not sad. Emo. Upset. Depressed. Or lost. I'm just a little overcast.

I saw him in my dreams

I saw him in my dreams,
as my eyelids fell shut,
and i stepped into a world,
a world i didn't trust.

A stranger in this world i was,
as i walked through the darkness,
crying out so hopefully,
for a light within the darkness.

Then, as the forest cleared,
and i saw the moon in full,
there standing on the hilltop,
was a boy, with eyes as bright as the stars above.

I then gasped in the cool night air,
and my legs began to shake,
as the boy smiled down to me,
his hand outstretched for me to take.

I stumbled forward, carelessly,
it didn't matter where i was,
because the boy was standing there,
ready to catch me as i fell.

He took my hand and held it,
as we both fell to the ground,
then he hugged me tight,
as if protecting me from his world.

I looked at our hands together creating a soft yellow glow,
then turned my gaze to him,
and whispered
'Please never let go.'

Then tears began to fall down my cheeks,
as he turned to me and replied,
with three words that had me crying for weeks, the words
'I love you.'

Then suddenly i was torn from him,
as the darkness flooded around me,
and i was pulled back into the cruel world,
called reality.

Yes i saw him in my dreams that night,
the tears still sting my eyes,
and my heart will never heal,
because this world is full of lies.

Dream Journal: Is this my world?

16/12/09

I ran along the path, the rundown mansion in front of me, shining through the dark sky. I didn't who or what I was running from I just had to run. Have I been here before? I thought I had, but it was soon shaken from me, as I was picked up by someone with inhuman speed he turned me too him and I saw his face. Do I know him? No I don't know him I had never seen him before in my life. Suddenly like a dream I looked up and there was no longer any mansion, but the dead end of an alley way. I turned but not quick enough and was struck by this force, this person. I felt the pain and was about to be stuck and again when a person appeared in front of me his arms outstretched blocking the force from reaching me, soon other joined him, and the force was driven back disappearing into the darkness. Then the original person tuned and looked down to me, his bright eyes shining through the darkness.
"Ally. Are you okay?" Ally…was that my name. I thought, now taking his hand. It must be because he had said it. He helped me up, then I pulled my hand away. Because he said it?! I don't even know who he is. I looked around at all the faces staring at me, then the boy nodded to the person next to him and my world went black…

I woke, looked at where I saw and sighed. It had been three weeks since Blake and the others had found me, and brought me to that mansion. The girl next to me got up and smiled, "I wonder what pain staking thing we will have to do today." The girl, Holly had become my best friend since I had come here, and she too felt like this world was not her own, it seemed to perfect, to wonderful, to beautiful.

We walked out onto the destroyed courtyard chunks of rubble and plants lay everywhere across this ground. I looked around at the place which once would have been a magnificent place, now, the only safe place for us to hide. I looked around at the group I had become a part of it consisted of six members, there was the leader Blake, Sasha, Alexis the snobby rich girl who thought she had claimed Blake as her own, Aaron who had some strange disease, and holly and myself. I walked over to Blake as there was a concerned look on his face, and he told everyone something we didn't want to heard.
"they are coming…" everyone gasped, as he pointed to Aaron who had started to fade, with his disease, a disease where, whenever he was about to be taken over by the saros, then her would disappear. "don't worry I have a plan…."
We spent most of the day listening to what he had to say, and soon the plan was put into action, we had to climb up to the top of the mansion, to a place where we would get ready for an attack. Where we would set up a trap, for that person and his soldiers. And so I stood at the bottom of the net that had been made by the fallen wires, pipes and rubble from when the first attack had occurred. I watched as my friends climbed up the net with skilled and speed. I sigh and started to climb, but I was now where as good as they all were and soon my fear had gotten the best of me and I started to shake, then my foot slipped, but instead of screaming and getting all embarrassed I just gripped the net as hard as I could and started to shake frozen in fear. The suddenly someone appeared beside me, it was Blake. He slowly edged my hand from the net and put it in his own. "its okay." He said softly, and then he told me to hold his wrist and we climbed to the top together. I couldn't help seeing Alexis glare at me as we reached the top, where I was greeted by holly smiling and comforting face. Next we were told to take one of the boxes that had been dragged up the net in a sack and set what looked to be like small bombs up around the top courtyard, which according to Blake would be our new home for a little while. Once all the bombs were set up, we were each given a gun, and told to try and relax, as if that would happen. All the time strange things were giong through my mind. This has happened before, has it, how do I know…why do I feel like history is repeating itself. Then a strange thought came over my mind and I turned to holly. " I would want to buy this anime series." Then she gave me a puzzled look, then a nod and I again felt that this was not my place. Then Blake came over and stood in the middle of everyone.

"I believe they will not get us….don't worry you are all safe."
I felt something inside me, fear well up and threaten to come out as tears, I sat by myself, just staring at the ground for a while after that, when I felt a tap from beside me and turned to see Aaron disappear.
Shocked and afriad I walked over to where Blake was standing, passing the turning heads as i pushed past my friends,fell into blakes arms and said. "I don’t' feel very safe anymore…"

Holidays: The more or the less

okay so it is well into he holidays (3rd week might i dare to say) and so far, it has been pretty good, though most of the time boring. now i am not saying that i have done nothing over my holidays...i mean there have been some pretty epic times, its just that it has been averaged out by boredom to fit into a solid 'pretty good' rating. so here what been going on so far.

New Moon.
this night firstly happened before the holidays started, but to me it seems it counts. this night was truly awsum, and it saw Courtney, Clarie, Emily and myself off to the movies to see new moon on the 2ND day it came out. it was a good movie. the only bad things about the movie were the slow motion bits, and all the girls the screamed when Jacob took off his shirt. gezzzz... then we came home....settled in and watched the full metal alchemist movie, the conquer of shamballa...in which there was lots of pointing, and hissing at particular characters (Noah...and rose). it was a good night. then next thing i did in my holidays corresponds to new moon, when i went with Rachelle to see new moon a 2ND time at chermsdie...(thank goodness their were no screaming girls this time) then bought a couple of books and headed home.

The all important Anime night.
this was probably one of the most epic nights of my life, not only did it involve great friends, pizza, staying up late, and laughter, but New animes, suspenseful moments and a line up of dashing anime boys. okay just imagine 3 girls sitting screaming at parts, gasping, gripping each others hands in suspense, and simultaneously biting apples,and three hours sleep before watching more anime. gezzz what a life. a big shout out goes to mariah and Holly for coming, and especially to holly who gaves us, an new anime to love....


Now according to my mother, i have done heaps of things...but it me it just seems like I've done nothing or not enough, but i suppose holidays always feel that way...they go slow through the boring times and when you want to have fun..then suddenly the time is running out and the new school year is looming above us, like a monster just waiting to drag us into its dungeons. well with Christmas only 10 days away i hope that i get to do more stuff with my friends...which may include:
Christmas party's
death note style photo shoots
Movies
sleepovers
shopping
gaming
and maybe even more anime....well guess we will just have to wait and see.

Dream Journal: The Wrath of many worlds

2 nights ago I had a really wierd dream..actually I have a lot of weird dreams and this one was no exception…

Night of the 3rd of December 2009

It started off with me and a group of random people (in some big trip) travelling on a chairlift or chair swing ( whatever you want to call it), through a weird world that kept changing.


First we travelled through a city like Brisbane or something, then it was s forest that was very green, and the trees went so high, next we were travelling up a mountain and about half way up the mountain there was a café. The next part I can't really remember, but then all of a sudden we were in the city again, but in a bus this time, and I looked behind me to see Wrath and Envy (from Fullmetal alchemist) standing on a bridge behind me and giving me evil looks. I turned back around and suddenly we were in the chair lift again, but we had (like a scary theme park ride) turned into a dead end, where Wrath and Envy were standing waiting for me. They said something, I don't remember what. And then they were chasing me, like they wanted to kill me. Then the chair lift backed and picked up speed and we zoomed into the forest world. it was quiet there, and I relaxed then I heard wraths screaming, and Envy's laughter. Then they were chasing us again and the giant trees of the forest started to snap and fall around me. ME! Yes it was just me now in this chair lift, screaming for my life. Then the worlds changed again and the chair lift was charging up the mountain, it stopped at the café and I was thrown out, and I was now dressed in cool fighting clothes with a Dagger in my hand. The next thing I knew Wrath jumped on me (Envy had disappeared) and stabbed me in the stomach with a pen, (I know a pen…???) and I felt my stomach tense with pain(in real life),then he drew up the pen with my blood on it and stabbed me again. He drew it up again and aimed for my heart, but I fought and blocked him…...
And that’s all I can remember, I think I just woke up after that, and walked outside and saw it was 5:30am so I went back to sleep and then woke up again at 8:00 am.
…this is my dream journal…I will post any interesting Dreams I have and Can remember on here…
But now I will list all the dreams you've missed… and since I name all my dreams.. this one was called
• The Wrath of many worlds
• Blue Night Child ( or as most people now it the werewolf dream)
• Those who see
• Broken glass
• The grey town
• The Blank eyed woman
• You're a vampire
• Phoenix
• Etc….there are so many more…. And if you would like a short description of one of these just ask…

the pictures below are of Wrath and Envy... to the left is Wrath and to the right is Envy.

A piece of history (Flaming Scarlet)

Okay so as most of you know i am writing a book. which is currently called FlamingScarlet.
and if i have aready told you or said it's too complicated then here the plot(simple version).

It is a bout a 15 year old girl called Scarlet, who lives in a band of theives called the shadows. one night The Guardians ( the queens soldiers) attack her camp killing her father. She is filled with rage and sadness, which unlocks something deep inside her, the ability to control fire.

After that day, her life is thrown upside down as she stumbles into her heritage, learns the story of Lefrayta, and hears of a prophecy of which she is a big part of.
Now she has to find the other five Keepers (A person who can control one of the other 5 elements) and put back together the pieces of the sacred heartstone, Which is the earth's only hope.

Oaky well thats kindof it in the most simple way possible and now, i will give the first part of the NEW introduction( sorry to all those people who had read my old one.)

Introduction
The lefraytain truth

Once there was a planet vile and barren, that was home to a powerful race of humans. This planet was known as Lefrayta.

The people that inhabited the planet lived in fear of the creatures and savages in the planets twisting forests and desert plains. But one day two young hearts were given the power to protect their people using their new found ability to control the six elements and so they travelled around trying to find away to save their people, but then one of the hearts became tainted and so turned on its friend. The two hearts battled long and hard and thus became the heart of good and the heart of evil, but no matter how hard they tried they could not kill each other because they loved each other. But then one day the heart of good could take it no more and went in search of a powerful leader of one of the allied tribes, and asked him to help. The leader said that he would help on two condition that, one the humans would one day leave Lefrayta, and two that they must give him one of their powers. She agreed. The leader of the tribe cast a powerful spell of the two hearts, which turned them to stone. As they turned to stone their powers left them, to be granted to whomever they chose. The heart of good, granted, Fire, water, air and light to her people, and keeping her promise, she gave the power of Earth to the tribes folk. But the heart of evil gave his power of darkness to a less loyal tribe, one that could betray the others in the blink of an eye, the stone heart of evil vanished. The new owners of the earth power, returned to heartstone of good to its people, who placed it on top of a tower where it protected them and kept Lefrayta at peace for thousands of years.